Hard boiled eggs

On a day I was looking down the barrel of another day of viewing overpriced hovels I found myself in the deepest South of the Australian Capital Territory in a sprawling shopping centre that had countless fast food outlets but only one café. A chain franchise café, but one I may be in with a chance of getting a feed.

Walking in I joined the back of the queue to order, I found a menu laminated and blutaked to the wall. The description was:

‘Eggs Benedict
Served on toast with creamy hollandaise, baby spinach & your choice of ham or bacon’.

I ordered ‘with ham’ and a regular latte.

After all, this place considered themselves a guru of coffee.

I took a seat outside as the noise inside was deafing, fully packed and virtually no acoustic dampening. Plus, the last fully sunny day before daylight savings kicks in for another winter, the perfect time to soak up some vitamin D with my vitamins yolk and Popeye.

Coffee arrived on a tall glass and was hot, hot, hot. Almost too hot to touch.

Shortly after the coffee arrived my eggs got plonked on the table. At the price I paid and the general ambiance, I wasn’t expecting much but a surly dump and run. That was new.

At first glance it didn’t look all that appetising. The hollandaise (definitely packet) was lumpy, which meant it had been likely nuked on high for too long. The spinach wilted to almost vanishing and barely toasted Mighty White.

I tried, I really did, but ended up leaving all of the toast except for one bite.

I thought I might spruce it up, but there was no salt and pepper option, not even a humble sachet in a cup on the table or any table in the vicinity. I was too scared to ask for any after the way the food had been delivered.

As I ate I could hear the two older gents seated at the table to my right talking about fishing, camping, four wheel driving, and their most recent respective ailments (not sure a festering legs sore is breakfast talk) while they swigged iced coffee with copious amount or squirty cream on the top.

Next to them was a group, gaggle, murder, clowder, any of these collective nouns seemed to fit given the way they were talking about people not there. One, a tea drinker how dunked her bag for three seconds, was clearly heard outing her ‘friend’* Sheila. This was followed by raucous laughter by all three of them. Sadly this was not the only ‘news’ shared about Sheila and her boys.

All I could think upon hearing the “terrible thing”, was good on Sheila for doing what it took to survive. And what a bunch of… well, there is no collective noun for that word…for sharing a story that was not theirs to share. It wasn’t the only tale told and received with hilarity.

The eggs where hard poached.

After I ate what was edible, basically the topping, I drank my coffee quickly. The warm liquid removed the taste of the bland, lumpy, hard food I ate, and went some way to helping remove the itchy feeling the accidental company was giving my skin.

As I walked away I heard one of the men say, ‘You know, the food here, is really very good.’

I was struck as a walked through the car park how I feel for people who only ever experience mediocre and think it’s good. Knowing how unlikely it is (by the rest of the conversations too boring to share) that any of those folks ever step outside their comfort zone to go to different places, try new food, eat at non-chains, have new experiences, or even go to the North side of the lake (because it’s so far) fills me with sadness for them. Think of all the missed opportunities, but then it’s so much easier to judge from a distance.

I was so lost in my thoughts, I walked to the wrong side of the car park and thought my car had been stolen, five minutes later I found it, sitting between a white van and a camper.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I won’t be returning. They may have proved themselves a coffee guru, I’m just dedicated to exploring my options.

Location: Coffee Guru
Address: Shop 6 Lanyon Marketplace, Conder ACT 2906
Website: www.coffeeguru.com.au

EB Price: $14.90

*Sheila is not the actual named used. I’m not about to out anyone!